i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
