Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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