He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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