Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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