ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
