I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
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Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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