There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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