Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
