Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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