I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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