can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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