just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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