Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
