i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
