You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is wine microwaveable?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
