I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
