Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
