we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
