Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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