I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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