i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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