Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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