Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
