I heard we made out
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
