Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
