I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
