...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
