I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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