and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
