clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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