if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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