Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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