I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
21 Sketchy Drug Deals That Are Scary AF
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.