The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
