So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize