so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
