stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.