Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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