New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?