You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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