There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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