I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.