Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
