I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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