I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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