my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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