i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
