you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
