You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
did i walk over a car last night?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
