Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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