I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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