Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
