apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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