he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
