Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
