i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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