did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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