Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
