new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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